I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
