I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize