i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
how drunk are you?
Several
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
