I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
