I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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