im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
