I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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