Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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