Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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