Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
