When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize