i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
COCAINE IS GR8
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