I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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