This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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