we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Oh god it's open bar.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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