There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
