oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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