Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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