WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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