My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Enjoy the penises
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
