Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize