Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
