Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
