I should be sponsored by Trojan
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
3 2 1 whiskey
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
