Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
