Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
