how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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