Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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