hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
