I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
