If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
