watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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