For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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