yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've blown a few things in my day
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
