He uses pillows to masturbate.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
