I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
