Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
