we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
