If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
