I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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