please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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