Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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