Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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