I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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