If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize