i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Jerry, you need to find god
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
