This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
