i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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