from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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