This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
