i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
