tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I didn't notice because vodka
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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