I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
