I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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