That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she smelled like a LAN party
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
