if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Those nachos came to me in a dream
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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