Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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