That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize