Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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